Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
