the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
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Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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