if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So much rum. So many feels.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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