I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
