this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.