Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
