i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?