All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
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She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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