I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
