I'm going to jail i love you
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
