Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
