hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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