Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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