I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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