The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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