He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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