Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
