I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
