I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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