my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
