Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
