he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
