He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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