My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
