i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
