My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
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