So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
