I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
