Farmville is her only friend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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