I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
