Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
