Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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