What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
