but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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