I accidentally had phone sex last night
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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