I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
