I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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