Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
