Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
