just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
