i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
