The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
