I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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