Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
