I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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