I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
