anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
