Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
