when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
