She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
