Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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