Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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