From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
