I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
