I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
