Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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