how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
