i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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