I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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